Future Headlines Department

Clinton Fires Cabinet

(Aboard AF1/26APR98) - After an surprising and unannounced visit to the Austrian capital, President Clinton has issued a statement to Americans, confirming that he has fired the members of his current cabinet en masse, including Vice-President Al Gore, and that new cabinet members he has nominated will be taking office immediately upon Senate confirmation. Commenting that "if Boris can pull off this kind of shit, why can't I?", Mr. Clinton said that his new cabinet, drawn completely from a group known as the 'Friends of Bill', can provide the dynamism and savvy to carry America into the 21st century and the economy growing.

Immediate reactions from politicians and legal experts in Washington has been hostile. "Most of these people aren't even Americans! Surely that is unconstitutional in itself. I think the President has completely flipped!" remarked a senior Republican. Reached for comment, Hillary Clinton said that any criticism of her husband could be attributed to a 'right wing conspiracy', and that she supported him '100 percent' despite Clinton's 'having a dirty weekend with that Lewinsky woman' in Vienna.

The names of the new appointments are listed below, with the verbal qualifications of each that were provided by Mr. Clinton.

Vice-President Mind The Gap - "He always wants to be a front running bastard, but I can't question his loyalty. It's the least I can go for his support and getting me pissed this weekend. I was always fond of Tipper, but Mrs. Mind The Gap is much better looking!"

Secretary of State Glo-Balls - "I was entranced when Glo-Balls explained why he got his hashname, and I realized that American leadership and security in international relations can benefit from Glo-Balls taking the leading role."

Attorney General RARK - "RARK did such a good job in awarding Down-downs that I knew he was the man we need to overhaul the entire legal system. There are too many constitutional obstacles to getting convictions nowadays, and all these can be swept aside by applying the rules of the HASH (ed. - there are no rules!). No need for trials, guaranteed convictions, and the inmates can celebrate their sentencing with a drink...every court can have its own bar!"

Secretary of Agriculture Free Willy - "Every guy that comes from New Zealand must know something about sheep...a perfect match for the job, I think. This office is going to be renamed Secretary of Beer, cause thats the stuff I want Mr. Free Willy to concentrate on while in office!"

Secretary of Commerce Whoppa - "The title of this office is now Secretary of Franchising, and I mean, this guy is the ticket. I want him to find a way to franchise everything he touches, and then exploit the hell out of every emerging market we can find!"

Secretary of Defence Stormin' Norman - "Saddam ain't gonna try anything with someone with that name in charge of Defence. Norman is going to have to be spending a lot of time checking into sex charges that are plaguing our services...I mean, are people in uniform getting enough? Doesn't do any good to piss off some guy with a machine gun or finger on the button of a missile!"

Secretary of Education Sherlock Too Short - "Sherlock is gonna head a task force to rewrite the exams for the entire educational system , from grade schools to Universities! If you can't pass her tests, your out on your ass, man. She will also head negotiations to bring Central American countries into NAFTA, starting with Guatemala."

Secretary of Health and Human Services Peetah (aka 'No Mercy') - "He wants to be known as the Secretary of Welfare and Teenage Pregnancy. He will be making sure no one gets any welfare, and making sure teenage girls get pregnant. He wouldn't normally take a job with a Democratic goverment (oi, *darn* Socialists!), but his policies should help draw off Republican support in 2000!"

Secretary of Energy, Housing, and Urban Development Marie Tamponette - "He is charged with the future of American cities, and what greater difficulty is there to address that the future energy requirements of Americans and depleting non-renewable resources. His solution will be to convert them all to a wonderful renewable resource - Sex Energy!"

Secretary of Interior Smelly Cheese - "He will lead America through a coming period of introspection and intellectualization, and moral angst. He will also gather together a committee of Interior decorators who will rewrite existing conservation and environmental laws, which will be designed in the future to ensure that natural colors don't clash and our Heritage has the highest fashion sense."

Secretary of Labor No Mercy Mistress - "Her first major task is the re-training and deployment of former members of the FBI, which I am disbanding because of the shitty way they tried to entrap Monica and get her to turn against me. I'd put all these guys into HARD labor in prison, but I think No Mercy Mistress just might find a better use for them working behind fast food counters or pumping gas. The economy is strong, so I don't think she'll sweat this job too much."

Secretary of Treasury Danny Cockboy - "Danny was always so generous, offering to collect and look after the Hash Cash and help Glo-Balls. He always had his hand out, to help. He assured me he would help me balance the budget, and something about cleaning us out as well. I am, er, sure, this is the best possible person for the job!"

Deputy Secretary of State for Veterans' Affairs Munk - "Munk's first job is going to be to quit. There is nothing that you can give him that he can't find a way to lose, so perhaps he can lose some of those noisy Veteran agitators before he goes!"